Here I Am
by DollLover2Death
Summary: Here I am, leaning on my boyfriend's shoulder, when the guy I really loved was out with her...


**This is a one-shot I came up with. I actually kinda came up with the idea because I'm kinda scared to break up with my boyfriend… but the dark stuff is just fiction, don't worry people. Anyways enjoy!**

Here I am, leaning on my boyfriend's shoulder, when the guy I really loved was out with _her._ It's not that my boyfriend is a bad person, it's just I like _him_ a lot more. Hell, I LOVE the guy! I could've had him! He liked me years ago, and I just let him slip through my cold blooded fingers.

My boyfriend doesn't know about the abuse I go through at home, the things my father says to me, the years I've had to take care of myself, because my mother was always passed out drunk. I'd never tell him. Why? He couldn't understand, he wouldn't understand, he would never _care._

I've only told _him,_ years ago. _He_ was the shoulder I cried on, _he_ listened to every word without a single input, and just sat there, quietly listening to my loud sobbing, just because he knew I needed to let it all out. But that was before, before I betrayed him, before I broke his heart, and before I never saw him again.

BUT I LOVE HIM GOD DAMMIT! Why the **fuck** does _she_ get him and not me? ' _Because_ _she_ _didn't drop him like he's hot for no good reason,'_ I think to myself.

"Hey Kate," I look up towards my boyfriend of 3 years. ' _3 untruthful years.'_ I thought silently. "Yes Ethan?" I ask in fear that he knows what I'm thinking. "This movie is getting kinda boring…" He starts kissing my neck and slips his hand down my shirt while unzipping his pants. I sighed, lifted my skirt, and let him have his way with me once again.

Why'd I have to give myself to him? I could've lied and said I was saving myself, instead of being stuck in this relationship full of _lies._ Now he just does what he wants to me whenever he wants, doesn't matter when or where we are, I just thank god that some people think it's normal to at a drive in movie.

Everyone always wondered why I hated Lizzie McGuire. " _Oh but she's so sweet, she's so nice! You could learn something from her."_ That last part always made me cringe. Everyone always seemed to like her, _she's_ got all the boys fanning over her, _she's_ got record companies begging to have her. But most of all, she has _him,_ David Gordon, or we always refer to him as Gordo. She's had him wrapped around her finger ever since Miranda moved to Mexico after 8th grade.

Ethan's just about finishing up, but I just started remembering that fateful night, where I had lost Gordo, and all my pride along with him…

 **FLASHBACK**

 _It was the elementary school graduation party, the sixth grade classes were looking forward to going to 7th grade in the Hilldridge Middle School and were all celebrating with cookies and punch and music. I was dancing with my 3 best friends, Lizzie, Gordo, and Miranda when I heard someone calling my name._

" _Kate! Come over here we need to talk to you!" I looked to see Claire and the rest of the pee wee squad cheerleaders beckoning towards me. I walked over to see what they wanted, but little did I know that there was a conversation going on behind me as well…_

" _Hey Lizzie, can you come here a minute…?" Gordo asks Lizzie nervously. Lizzie smiles and walks over to her friend. "Sure Gordo, what's up?" Lizzie looked up to see her friends nervous eyes, clearly about to reveal a huge secret. "I… I think I might have my first crush…?" Lizzie's eyes go wide as she shrieks in delight. "Gordo your first crush?! This is huge! Who is it?!"_

 _Gordo is looking around frantically hoping no one's listening on their conversation. "Shh! Lizzie could you keep it down? I don't really want anyone to know about this." Lizzie giggles and says quieter, "Ok, but who is it?!" Gordo looks behind her, then turns to her again. "Ok, but you have to promise not to tell anyone!" Lizzie nods excitedly. Gordo gulps. "I think… I might have a crush on… Kate."_

 _Lizzie screams and spins him around while Gordo turns bright red. "Gordo I can't believe this! I mean how perfect you are for each other! You have to tell her!" Gordo's eyes go wide. "Lizzie you promised you wouldn't tell! And I couldn't tell her, what if she doesn't like me back?" Lizzie smiled at her friend. "Gordo, if you told her, I can almost guarantee you guys would really hit it off." Gordo smiled. "Thanks Lizzie, I'm gonna go tell her, wish me luck!" Lizzie smiles as her good friend starts across the room._

 _Meanwhile, I was on the other side of the room with Claire. She looks me up and down, almost as if she was analyzing me. "Now Kate, you should know that we don't do this very often, so this is a big deal." I nodded. She continued talking. "Me and the rest of the Hillridge pee wee cheer squad want to invite you to join our group and become popular." I nodded, still confused. Claire handed me a pamphlet that said '_ _ **HILLRIDGE SUMMER CHEER CAMP**_ ' _on it. She smiled. "Of course you'd have to join the cheer squad and spend the summer here to get with us, but I don't think it'll be that big of trouble, right?_

 _I stared at the pamphlet, thinking to myself_ 'hey, maybe this'll make me forget my home life, maybe with this I'll be happy!' _I tucked the pamphlet into my pocket and looked at the girls. "I'll do it," I said. Claire smiled smugly. "Good, but now you'll have to prove you're worthy by dumping your little loser friends over there, starting with that one." She pointed at Gordo who was running towards me._

 _I walked over to him, curious. He looks at the ground and starts stuttering. "K-Kate, th-there's something I, really need to tell you something, it's kinda important." He starts twiddling his thumbs. "Kate, I really like you, and I think you're really pretty and nice and we've known each other for a very long time. Kate, would you go out with me?"_

 _I looked at him for a minute, then turned to look at the cheerleaders, eagerly watching my every move. Then I turned to look behind Gordo at Lizzie and Miranda, who were smiling and had happy tears in their eyes. Lastly I looked down at Gordo, who was looking up at me with wide anxious eyes._

 _Now I had really liked Gordo at the time. After all, he was the shoulder I cried on when I told him about my home life. So I sighed, not believing what I was about to do. I put on my bitchiest attitude and squinted my eyes at Gordo._

" _Ew! Who'd wanna go out with you, you loser!" Lizzie and Miranda gasped from behind him. I continued. "You're too short, too ugly, and your hair looks like a messy burnt down rainforest lacking life sat on it!" Lizzie and Miranda now had jaws touching the floor, while Gordo looked like he was about to cry._

" _How could you POSSIBLY think you could compare to Ethan Craft, which if you weren't so deaf, you'd know that every girl in the school is drooling over him, NOT you! I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last guy on EARTH!" I finished up by slapping him hard across his face, leaving a red handprint._

 _He held his face as his eyes welled with tears, and he ran out of the room, Miranda chasing after him. I could see him locking himself in the boys bathroom while Miranda pounded on the door. I then looked down to see Lizzie storming towards me._

" _Kate! How and WHY did you do that to poor Gordo?! He just poured his heart and soul out to you and what do you do? You break his heart and humiliate him in front of our entire grade! How could you?!" She was looking up at me and yelling her lungs out._

 _I rolled my eyes and studied my nails. "It's not MY fault the boys an absolute crybaby! And in case you haven't noticed Loozie, I have newer and better friends now!" I motioned towards the cheer squad._

 _Lizzie looked up at me with sad eyes, and her next 3 words broke me forever. "You've changed Kate." She walked away silently, while I stood there, stunned at my own actions. Was all this really worth popularity? Well, it was too late to change anything now._

 _I turned towards the cheerleaders who all had proud faces on. "Welcome to our group Kate." Claire spoke up._

" _On Wednesdays we wear pink." Another cheerleader spoke._

 _ **END OF FLASHBACK**_

I lay my head back on Ethan's chest as I replayed what I said in my head over and over again. I regretted every moment, every word, each one of those 10 seconds where you could pinpoint the moment _his_ heart snapped in two.

I am no longer a cheerleader, so Claire and I are no longer friends. I was dropped from the squad when my mom got into drinking after she lost her job way back in freshman year. She said we couldn't afford it. ' _Well maybe if you got off your fat drunk and broke ass we could afford it, why should I have to suffer when you're the one guzzling Scotch?'_ But I kept that to myself, to spare a beating from my father.

The question is, why do I hate Lizzie when I know this is clearly my fault? I don't know, I probably never will. Maybe it's because I'm jealous of her life? Her perfect family, her perfect friends, and of course, her perfect _boyfriend?_

Or maybe I'm in denial that I did all that, and I want to convince myself that it's all Lizzie's fault, that _she_ was the one who broke his heart, and I wound up with Gordo instead. But that didn't happen, and I'm slapped with that reality every single day.

So here I am, leaning on my boyfriend's shoulder, when the guy I really loved was out with _her..._


End file.
